I have been thinking about the spiritual changes I have undergone in 2008, but admittedly, I am in a frame 0f mind too close to the subject to adequately transform incoherent experiences (stories) into a coherent narrative. This past year, I have felt suspended in an uncertain state between peace and confusion, and often find myself unable to answer the questions as to why I underwent those changes. I wanted to post about this on my magical journal here because I believe that you, who have possibly read my previous entries and perhaps even listened to my podcast back when I wholly identified myself as Pagan, will have the advantage of seeing my spiritual progress from a step back. I hope that you will be able to more objectively than I could ever dream, shed some light on the matter for my benefit.
1997-2003
My childhood fascination with magic drew me to happen upon articles about Wicca on the Internet. My memory is hazy at this point, but I remember writing spells and then later, performing a self-dedication ritual. New Age stores began opening up around my neighbourhood and I invested some pocket money in 1998 for a thick book on various forms of fortune-telling, including tarot, runes, palmistry, and graphology. I began seriously learning about Wicca through the books of Australian author and musician, Fiona Horne, although that was also greatly supplemented by the popular websites available at the time. I purchased my first athame in 2000 and expected the results to be significant in my magic, but ended up being largely unsure what to do with it. It was shelved after gathering dust on my altar. In 2001, I began working at a local New Age store and had even greater access to tools and books. Having an income for the first time also meant I had greater freedom to seek out events in he greater Pagan community. I attended the Magick Happens festival in 2001 and 2002, including several workshops ran there, including one memorable one on Tibetan magic and an extremely crappy one run by an Alexandrian High Priestess on creating spell bags.
It is probably also worth mentioning that I made my interest in magic and witchcraft known from the onset and after I began identifying myself as Wiccan, openly shared the fact with my family, friends, classmates and teachers. I remember making some comments that people’s impressions of me changed after they understood I was Wiccan, but I cannot recall a single event where I was persecuted. Rather, a lot of people surprised me in how tolerant and genuinely interested and supportive they were of my practice.
I met a girl my age who was also a practising Wiccan although she was still ‘in the broom closet’ from her more conservative (Muslim) family. We started sharing books and web resources and then sometime in 2001-02, founded a coven together. Beyond designing it a beautiful website on which I posted my spells, we did not take it much further, largely due to our inability to commit much time to the venture (we were both 16 yo girls who still had to ask permission from parents to go out on the weekends) and our initial ventures were marked by foolish attempts to connect intellectually with fellow adolescent magicians and witches. I remember one case where a 17 yo boy contacted us and suggested that he was interested in participating in our coven events, only to then insult us for replying to an email of his two days after he sent it as he expected all magical organisations to be prompt with their responses. He also resisted the term “witch” and insisted that we refer to him as a “majikcian” (yes, with that spelling). Ladies and Gentlemen, this was indeed the first ‘majickian’ I have had the pleasure of meeting.
2005-2007
The more education I underwent, the more Paganism felt wanting. I am just stating a correlation here, not downright writing off that the prerequesite of Paganism is a lack of education. There seemed to be little room in the Pagan community for scepticism and level-headedness. Constantly seeing new Wiccans and Pagans crop up and validating their path with stories of their supposed paranormal talents repeatedly confirm this. The romance of Paganism was wearing off for me. While by day, I read books, observed the Sabbats, and did spells, my motivation came from a powerfully romantic inclination. That is, the illusion (delusion?) that with every wave of my athame, I was a weaving myself into a beautiful tapestry of long-lost mystery traditions where men and women were equal under the eyes of the God and Goddess. With every shake of the besom, I would be closer to a lifestyle of perpetual celebration (“Oh look! A tree, let’s dance and praise the Lady and Lord!”), self-empowerment, and spiritual bliss.
2008-Present
I am not at all convinced that there is anything wrong with Paganism. There are Wiccans and Pagans out there who not only do not perpetuate the romantic delusions of witchcraft, but actively dispel those myths, so that Wicca and Paganism can progress into the future on a foundation of truth. Nevertheless, I received those romantic ideals and subsequently had my lofty expectations shattered. I accept full responsibility for that. After all, I chose to read simplistic books for many, many years that further accentuated the sense of romance in witchcraft before I thought to myself, “What do the critics of Wicca and Paganism say?”, “Are the legends of an ancient matriarchal tradition true?”
I think this kind of tendency to avoid critical examination can be observed in people of every religious path, career choice and life decision. But the higher we allow ourselves to drift into a fantasy, the harder we will fall. And I fell pretty damn hard.
This is where it becomes rather impossible for me to reflect because it is very much still a work-in-progress. At some point in my disenchantment with witchcraft, I discovered a group of magicians who practice magic separate from a shared, overarching religion, and it was encouraged by their ways, that magic for the first time in my life, felt right. I was no longer purchasing herbs and oils because some book said so, but doing magic when and how it felt good to do so. I have subsequently, met Wiccans who also believe whole-heartedly in this philosophy, yet somehow, I feel as though the Pagan ship has sailed for me.
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You know how I feel about this as we’ve discussed it some, but I’ll just that having gone through my own period of disillusionment and questioning, that I think it’s quite natural to take a while to find a spiritual path that really fits you…and even after you find it, you will spend more time changing…I have. I conceive of myself as an experimental magician with Taoist and Buddhist leanings.
No matter where you go, it’s an honor to share in your journey.
This, my friend, was am an amazing post. You captured the essence of what so many feel. In fact, I dare say that you will forge your own path; and you’ll make it truly your own. Wonderful.
I think you are going thru a fantastic journey of discovery. I do wish you would continue your podcasts, it doesn’t have to have a narrow pagan focus to be of interest to your listeners. I think many people are travelling a similar path to yours and feel left out of the community of pagans, witches and magicians.
I have rearranged to some extent the labels I use for myself, internally and externally.
I am a witch and always will be, but I have always been comfortable using magick with and without the goddess and without being constrained by what the books say to do, although sometimes I dig through my Wiccan books and find something that feels just right. It’s all about learning.
Thank you for sharing this. I went through some serious spiritual changes myself in the past few months. I have tried for years to figure out what tradition I belong in, what my practice should be, etc. Just now I feel that things finally started to come together for me. Instead of trying to fit myself into some box, I made a box to fit myself. I no longer call myself anything, and if people ask, I tell them I am some kind of pagan heathen magician with some Buddhism thrown in.
Hi Hemlock
I actually just found your blog site from listening to Talea’s podcast and then finding the link on your podcast page. Anytime anyone grows along thier path it is a good thing because I feel each of us has an individual connection with World and Diety that can’t be labeled and filed as “you are now this religion” .
As for claiming titles, I am a Seeker, and I identify as a Pagan and a Witch, yet my personal path is derived from LOTS of other paths as does my magical workings
I also wanted to say we miss you and Catnip Brew out here in Podioland. You have such a wonderful show and wonderful style of speaking that draws people in. One of the great benefits to all of our podcasts is that everyone has a different perspective about the Universe, Diety, and Magic, so I want to encourage you to come back and share your thoughts and journey with the podcasting community.
We miss you
Brightest Blessings and Journey ~
Hemlock,
You make some astute points, especially about the limitations of self-observation. So, keeping in mind the limitations of external advice, I offer my perspective to you.
One, we do not live in a culture that values introspection and self-growth. It IS very disheartening to see this reflected in some Wiccan groups, but I suspect this has more to do with the fact Wicca is a popular doorway to Paganism that tends to draw a lot of spiritual thrill-seekers due to its’ availability.
I am not decrying the validity of Wicca as a mystery path; however, many people in Wicca are content with its fertility emphasis (‘dance around the tree’) alone, and do not desire the rigours of seeking the mysteries. For it is work to develop one’s own spiritual path, and it’s not something that produces a clear cut end result. Rather, initiation is an ongoing process.
Another part is being a student of deeper mysteries can be very lonely. The people who undergo this journey don’t tend to be the obvious, flashy members of the Pagan community. Often, they are the dropouts who tire of the politics in group dynamics and power found in covens, as well as other groups of humans. I recall a fellow initiate years ago who was very distressed by the immaturity of fellow Wiccans; she had a great deal of difficulty reconciling the fact that even though a person is a pagan, they are still subject to human foibles.
But back to you. The final thing I would suggest is to consider the effect of religious development. You call your path Plutonian, and this is very apt in light of Pluto’s underworld qualities. At this time, there is not a lot of Pagan literature describing this; but if you critically examine the concept of the “dark night of the soul” you can find parallels.
There is no fairy wand to speed the individual’s pace on the mystery path. You must go through the process to come to your own understanding, keeping in mind that what you find to be true at one time can change down the road! You may find Judy Harrow’s books “Devoted To You: Honoring Deity in Wiccan Practice” and “Spiritual Mentoring”, or Mary K. Greer’s biography “Women of the Golden Dawn: Rebels and Priestesses: Maud Gonne, Moina Bergson Mathers, Annie Horniman, Florence Farr ” insightful for this process.
Hi, what a refreshing breeze you blow, I have for years been searching along the path,as I read your experience, it could have been identical to my own journey. Now at the age of 59 I’m seeing the light, I work in my own way, and the best teacher ever is the higher self. My path of Magic is my own, and at last I have come home,Blessings to you, and thank you so much for your honesty, kind regards, Johno.